Priya Elan checks out Bryan Batt, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Molly Ringwald and Raquel Welch’s new biographies

The celebrity biography market shows no signs of abating. John Barrowman, Tony Blair, Peter Andre and Dubya will all be releasing memoirs soon. But are the ingredients to writing one more than just bodging together some luvvie-prosed recollections, childhood memorandum and pages of Photoshopped pics? Yes! This lot bridge the gap between “self promotion” and “self help”.

She’s Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Mother, Bryan Batt

Sal from Mad Men’s “momoir” (sorry) covers growing up in New Orleans with mother Gayle, a Southern matriarch who battles through various family tragedies, for the right to say “Dahlin” and wear pink chiffon.

Cover Bryan’s dressed in full Sterling Cooper get-up, with his arm around Gayle, who seems to have run herself through the Mad Men-yourself web program.

Choice quote “The rite of passage for most Southern boys entails hunting and killing a deer or a duck or another random woodland creature. Mine involved pink satin, a glittering papier mache float, and a dozen young girls in hoop skirts. I didn’t think it was odd.”

Topics it doesn’t cover (but is the only thing you care about)

Where did the Village People take Sal at the end of season three?

The Day I Shot Cupid, Jennifer Love Hewitt

Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt And I’m A Love-Aholic. Read between the lines of this anecdotal, self-help memoir and JLH reveals herself to be the type of gal who’s isolated your circle of friends and circled potential honeymoon locales by date number two. She definitely knows what you did last summer.

Cover JLH as an anatomically incorrect cartoon that makes Modesty Blaise look realistically proportioned.

Choice quote “Let’s go out and find the love we always wanted but this time with our feet planted on the ground, our inner sparkle as the arrows, and the belief that love does happen for all of us.”

Topics it doesn’t cover (but is the only thing you care about)

Did that violinist in Party Of Five annoy you, too?

Getting The Pretty Back, Molly Ringwald

OMG I’ve just turned 40! What shall I do? I know, I’ll spew out some Sex And The City-style nuggets of worldly wisdom (and the random recipe here and there) with lots of pink typeface and jaunty cartoons in the style of every Sophie Kinsella book ever.

Cover The cover says “Friendship, Family and Finding the perfect lipstick.” Surely the seven deadliest words in publishing?

Choice quote “What did I really want for my fortieth birthday? A yoga retreat? An overnight flight to Miami? Botox? Then, as if from the ether, a voice spoke with astounding clarity. Fondue.”

Topics it doesn’t cover (but is the only thing you care about)

Where’s Duckie?

Beyond The Cleavage, Raquel Welch

Bits of autobiography mix with her own Raqu-ospohy on ageing. Chapter titles include: Destination Yoga, Passing The Torch and Hair And Hang Ups.

Cover “Milf-tastic” simplicity.

Choice quote “The irony of it all is that even though people thought of me as a sex symbol, in reality I was a single mother of two. It’s true! However nobody would have believed it back then, not when they saw me in that skimpy fur bikini.”

Topics it doesn’t cover (but is the only thing you care about)

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